I was 31 years old when Pat and I got married. We both wanted kids, he has 3 brothers and sisters and I have 1 brother. I always assumed we would have at least 2 maybe 3 kids. Pat's a teacher and I am a school social worker so we really have the perfect schedules to raise a family. I just figured I would be a soccer mom, running between practices and ballet practice, gymnastics and music classes. Whatever the kids wanted to do that's what we would be into. I saw big holiday dinners in our future and nightly brawls over who would get to pick the TV show. It was all I had dreamed of and took for granted that it would just be easy. I mean seriously, in my work as a school social worker I had seen teenagers get pregnant the first time they ever had sex and families who couldn't afford one child much less the 5 they had. I never even considered that I had inherited whatever fertility issues were in my family.
Pat and I celebrated our first anniversary on October 30, 2000. My mom had put together an anniversary surprise for us. She and Artie had worked with the staff at Westfields Marriott to recreate our wedding dinner (just on a much smaller level) I wanted them to celebrate with us so we decided to wait until the weekend before Thanksgiving to have the celebration because they would be here from California. It was going to be perfect. The first week in November I started feeling like I was getting my period. I was more tired than usual and my period never came. Could I be pregnant already? Wow, that was easy. I went to the dr. and did the blood test. Yup. I was preggers. The unbelievable shock and joy just overwhelmed us both. I think we planned everything that first night from how to do to the nursery to where this child would go to school. I woke up the next morning expecting to throw up, but I didn't. I felt pretty good and pretty lucky that i didn't have morning sickness. We knew we really needed to keep this news to ourselves for the first 3 months, especially with my family history. We did pretty well for about 3 hours! I had to tell my mom! And my dad. And if they knew, I had to tell my brother and sister in law- but told them not to tell my niece and nephew, just in case. I told one friend at work, just in case I was sick or anything I thought someone should know.
My mom and Artie and my Aunt, Uncle and cousin were coming to my house for Thanksgiving that year. I was just so excited to tell them at dinner! The weekend before Thanksgiving we were going to my old townhouse to help one of my old roomates move. I knew I couldn't lift anything heavy, so I thought I needed to tell them why I wasn't being a very good helper. They were all pretty excited for us. The day went on and all of a sudden I felt this weird pain in my lower left side of my stomach. I rested on the couch for a bit and the pain went away, but the next time I went to the bathroom I saw blood, not a lot but enough to freak me out. I yelled for Pat and we called the Dr. They told me that early on spotting wasn't totally atypical-some women spot when the egg implants deep into the lining. They said to watch it and if it got heavier to call them back, but that there really wasn't much they could do this early on. Oh hell no, I told Pat that if it kept going or got worse, I was going to the hospital and they were going to do something to stop this! I couldn't miscarry, I wasn't ready. By Monday morning I hadn't stopped spotting so I made an appointment with my Dr. for Tuesday. My mom had flown in by that point and was going to go with me. The Dr. told me it was too early to see a heatbeat so the only way to tell if I was miscarring was to do a blood test and see where the numbers went. If I was still pregnant my numbers should be going up by about double. If they were going down or staying the same, I was definately miscarrying. So that Tuesday appointment told me nothing definite. I think in my heart I knew, but I certainly wasn't ready or willing to believe that it was happening. I heard the Dr. say things like 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage and chromosonal abnormalities and the body knows best... but all I could tell you was that I was pregnant with MY baby and that this was not fair. On Wednesday morning I was bleeding really heavy, I went back to the Dr. and she told me it was most likely a miscarriage but that they couldn't tell until the blood tests came back. At that point I knew and I was devestated. The Dr. recommended that I go home and rest and not dwell on it. It would happen when it was right, that one miscarriage was not an indicator that there would be future miscarriages. I asked her if I had to go home and rest and she said to do what felt right for my body. My mom was here and my body wanted to go shopping. Why the hell did I need to go home and rest and think about what I had just lost? I needed retail therapy. So mom and i went off to Fair Oaks mall and to William Sonoma- after all, I had a Thanksgiving dinner to prepare for. My mom was great and supported me through every step in that mall. We did some good for the economy and then went home to cook our dinner for the next day. But first, I had to tell the people I had shared our news with that there would be no baby. I swear, those were the worst phone calls I have ever made. That just sucked. That night when it was just Pat and me in our house- I finally cried and said goodbye to our baby. For those of you who have gone through this, you know that first night is the worst and that feeling is the most awful. I never wanted to feel that again, for any reason.
I think it was good that I had thanksgiving and my family to keep me occupied for a while. But the nights were the worst. All i could ask was why? and then how long did i have to wait to try again? No one had answer to the why- at least not one I wanted to hear. The how long was a little easier- at least 2 months, but when you feel emotionally ready. Hmmm, when would i ever feel emotionally ready again?
I wanted to crawl in a whole and die- but i knew I couldn't. I still had a husband and a job and responsibilites- so I got up everyday and went to work. But I never felt like a whole person. That was going to take some time.
Writing this has stirred up so many emotions for me- it still makes me cry and wonder...
I would love to hear from other sisters who have had similiar or different experiences. We need to stick together and support and never give up.
Tracy
Well for me, it was endometriosis and several ovarian cysts, which required major surgery that had me believing that I could never get pregnant. I remember sitting in pre-cana with my now husband, Mike, and being so bitter that they were so focused on pregnancy and parenthood and natural family planning. Is that why everyone gets married? Then, at my bridal showers, when I would break a ribbon everyone would say, “That’s another baby!” To be a good sport, I purposely cut a couple of ribbons for my mother-in-law. I kept them, because I keep everything and it was a big thing for me to do. Maybe it was a deep-seeded hope.
ReplyDeleteI went off birth control a year after my wedding and nothing was happening, which was no big surprise. What WAS a surprise was that I took a pregnancy test several months later. I can’t remember why. I seriously blocked a lot of that pregnancy. I can’t even remember how I told Mike or what he said. I remember not believing I was pregnant and rereading the test. I also remember going to the doctor, who called several days later with the good news and told me my HCG level. I was so excited, I told my friend at work. I also couldn’t keep the news from my Mother in Law, who desperately wanted to be a Grandmother. Mike and I went over to his parents house and I wrapped up a present for them. My MIL opened it and seemed confused until I explained to her that the ribbons she was holding were the ones I cut for her at my bridal shower. It took a second for it to sink in, but we were all crying and hugging.
Then, not even two weeks later, I started bleeding. I knew immediately what was happening. Mike rushed home from a football game and met me at the ER. I didn’t want to go. I knew they couldn’t do anything for me, but I still held out hope. What if I had twins and just miscarried one? What if it was something else completely? I knew though and cried almost the entire time, except when Mike was making stupid and inappropriate jokes. He’s pretty awesome like that. The doctor told me my new HCG levels and that was it. It was over (although not really because my body violently rejected the pregnancy and I was on major painkillers for a few days).
I was miserable for MONTHS after that. I hadn’t been pregnant long, but for those of you who have been through this, that really doesn’t matter. I was part of a club for a few blissful weeks, then I was unceremoniously kicked out and felt really lonely as my friends and colleagues kept getting pregnant and having babies. I was really, really bitter. To make it worse, I cold NOT get pregnant again. I timed, I Mucinexed, I charted, I OPK’ed, I even got blood tests to see what was wrong. Nothing was wrong with me. I didn’t want Mike to have to ‘get tested’ so we started talking adoption.
I had to let go of everything I had planned in my head. My husband is adopted, so we were definitely fine with the idea and looking forward to being ‘in charge’ again. We looked into some agencies. One night, we went out and I told a few friends. They vowed that they would throw me a baby shower still. I drank a pitcher of Margaritas to celebrate the announcement and promptly fell asleep during a really loud screening of ‘The Dark Knight’, which did not make Mike happy (mostly because I kept waking up and asking him what was going on and declaring that the movie was stupid because it made no sense).
My sister came to town the following week and we did lots of touristy things. One afternoon I was so thirsty it was just ridiculous. I could not get enough to drink! It was hot outside, but that was just out of character. The next day, we had wine tasting on the schedule, but because I felt so funny and I was a day or two late, I played the game I always lose, the pregnancy test game, but this time I won!
Now I have a 20-month-old boy and I’m not planning on going through that all again anytime soon! He’s definitely enough for me. For now at least!