After the first miscarriage I felt like I was living in someone else's world looking in. I went to work everyday, took care of our home, our lives, all with the same routine. The only difference was that I was obsessed with pregnancy- becoming pregnant, noticing everyone else who was pregnant, maternity clothes... i noticed all of it. When I was focused on my own road to pregnancy, I felt like I had purpose. But when I looked around and saw how many people around me were pregnant and how easy it seemed to happen for them, well that was hard to deal with. I felt so alone because at this point I didn't know anyone else who had been in this situation. What I did know was that everywhere I looked, my friends were pregnant. I tried so hard to be happy for women who were having babies, but sitting through baby showers and listening to stories of swollen ankles, morning sickness and crazy cravings just about sent me over the edge. I thought about taking up drinking on a regular basis, but I knew that could never be good for my future babies. So instead, I cried. Never with anyone around, always by myself. I really didn't want to feel sorry for myself, but it was so hard not to. If I wasn't sad I was angry and I didn't want to be angry, so I just cried. ALOT. I also didn't talk a lot about my feelings because I was afraid that saying them out loud would just mean I was giving up or accepting that this was my fate. Sure, I would talk to Pat and my mom- but they were both going through this with me and the last thing i wanted to do was have them worrying about me anymore, so I kept a lot to myself.
I tried to just lead my normal life, but there was nothing normal about the empty, longing feeling that I felt every single day. I truly felt like I was floating above and watching everything, but not experiencing anything. But I suppose feeling nothing was better than feeling the pain of the miscarriage, so i guess we were moving in the right direction in some ways.
I wish everyone a happy week- I will try to write some this week while I am on vacation!!!
Tracy
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
try again, and again and again...
I thought i would tie up some loose ends from my last post. I talked about the beautiful anniversary celebration that mom planned. It was perfect, except for the cramping and sadness that I felt with every move. I tried to lose myself in the magic of our wedding and recreate that feeling, it worked for a little while, but inside Pat and I were both torn apart.
I also talked about the Dr. who couldn't tell me for sure that i had miscarried until the blood tests came back... so remember, this all happened over thanksgiving. I didn't go back to school until the monday after thanksgiving- only to find that I had a VOICEMAIL from my Dr.'s office telling me that they had gotten the results and Yes, indeed I had miscarried. My numbers had gone back to close to zero, so there was no need to follow up. So that was it. Although I already knew, just hearing that message and the heartless follow up made me throw up. I hated my Dr's office but didn't think I had much choice. My school had Kaiser insurance and I had to go to their ob center. UGH!
The only hope that i held onto was that i had gotten pregnant pretty quick the first time so i was ready to try again. The Dr. suggested that after the miscarriage i let my body go through at least one normal cycle and then we could start trying. Fine, i agreed to do that. So month after month we tried and nothing happened. Everyone kept saying just have fun with it, relax, get drunk... okay, thanks for the advice- especially from people who got pregnant each and every time they wanted to. I actually started to resent people and i found myself getting angry all the time. After a few months of trying, I made an appointment with the Ob center again to talk about why i wasn't getting pregnant. I was told not to worry, that since i had been pregnant once there was no reason to think i would not get pregnant again. THey wouldn't even talk to me about medical what ifs. I hadn't been trying long enough to be considered important. You can imagine that this pissed me off even more! A few years earlier I had experienced 2 ruptured ovarian systs- i wondered if that had anything to do with my inability to get and stay pregnant but the dr.s just brushed it off. After months of getting nothing from my dr., a friend suggested that I try monitoring my temperature with a basal thermometer to see when i was ovulating. She recommended a book on the mind body connection to pregnancy. I read the book and became an expert. Every morning like clockwork, before i got out of bed, i took my temperature with that little pink thermometer and charted it perfectly. I learned to know the bodies signs that you were ovulating. All of a sudden, everything in my world became about timing. Nothing says newlywed like trying to get pregnant, scientifically. But still, even with all that- nothing. Finally my Dr. agreed to do some preliminary tests but found nothing conclusive. The only thing they thought could be an issue was that I had low progesterone levels during my luteal phase, but that shouldn't have impacted me not being able to get pregnant. Again the dr. told me to relax and see how things went... I wanted to scream. I certainly wasn't getting any younger- and i was ready, so ready to be a mom! I watched people around me get pregnant some who didn't even want to be pregnant and i just grew ever more resentful. Why was it so easy for some people to have kids and so hard for others?
But during it all, I never once thought I would give up. I have always worked hard for things that I wanted and this was no different. I had many fights with myself- i was mad at me, i wondered what i had done wrong? why was this happening to us?? It would have been pretty easy to slip into major depression but i knew that wouldn't help anything, so i kept fighting- even when i got nothing in return.
some couples find this struggle tears them apart. Thankfully, that didn't happen to us. Pat wanted a baby as much as i did and he stood by me through every tear. He learned more about the anatamoy of the reproductive system then he ever thought he would. I am not sure I could have made it without his support. My friends tried to be supportive, but at that point, none of them had gone through any of this crap so they didn't truly understand, but they knew i was in pain and they didn't like that. They really tried and i love them for that.
I encourage you to add your own stories- i hope i am reaching some who need the support of someone who has been through it. Thanks to those who have been so encouraging and supportive of my writing. :) I am touched by the reaction.
I also talked about the Dr. who couldn't tell me for sure that i had miscarried until the blood tests came back... so remember, this all happened over thanksgiving. I didn't go back to school until the monday after thanksgiving- only to find that I had a VOICEMAIL from my Dr.'s office telling me that they had gotten the results and Yes, indeed I had miscarried. My numbers had gone back to close to zero, so there was no need to follow up. So that was it. Although I already knew, just hearing that message and the heartless follow up made me throw up. I hated my Dr's office but didn't think I had much choice. My school had Kaiser insurance and I had to go to their ob center. UGH!
The only hope that i held onto was that i had gotten pregnant pretty quick the first time so i was ready to try again. The Dr. suggested that after the miscarriage i let my body go through at least one normal cycle and then we could start trying. Fine, i agreed to do that. So month after month we tried and nothing happened. Everyone kept saying just have fun with it, relax, get drunk... okay, thanks for the advice- especially from people who got pregnant each and every time they wanted to. I actually started to resent people and i found myself getting angry all the time. After a few months of trying, I made an appointment with the Ob center again to talk about why i wasn't getting pregnant. I was told not to worry, that since i had been pregnant once there was no reason to think i would not get pregnant again. THey wouldn't even talk to me about medical what ifs. I hadn't been trying long enough to be considered important. You can imagine that this pissed me off even more! A few years earlier I had experienced 2 ruptured ovarian systs- i wondered if that had anything to do with my inability to get and stay pregnant but the dr.s just brushed it off. After months of getting nothing from my dr., a friend suggested that I try monitoring my temperature with a basal thermometer to see when i was ovulating. She recommended a book on the mind body connection to pregnancy. I read the book and became an expert. Every morning like clockwork, before i got out of bed, i took my temperature with that little pink thermometer and charted it perfectly. I learned to know the bodies signs that you were ovulating. All of a sudden, everything in my world became about timing. Nothing says newlywed like trying to get pregnant, scientifically. But still, even with all that- nothing. Finally my Dr. agreed to do some preliminary tests but found nothing conclusive. The only thing they thought could be an issue was that I had low progesterone levels during my luteal phase, but that shouldn't have impacted me not being able to get pregnant. Again the dr. told me to relax and see how things went... I wanted to scream. I certainly wasn't getting any younger- and i was ready, so ready to be a mom! I watched people around me get pregnant some who didn't even want to be pregnant and i just grew ever more resentful. Why was it so easy for some people to have kids and so hard for others?
But during it all, I never once thought I would give up. I have always worked hard for things that I wanted and this was no different. I had many fights with myself- i was mad at me, i wondered what i had done wrong? why was this happening to us?? It would have been pretty easy to slip into major depression but i knew that wouldn't help anything, so i kept fighting- even when i got nothing in return.
some couples find this struggle tears them apart. Thankfully, that didn't happen to us. Pat wanted a baby as much as i did and he stood by me through every tear. He learned more about the anatamoy of the reproductive system then he ever thought he would. I am not sure I could have made it without his support. My friends tried to be supportive, but at that point, none of them had gone through any of this crap so they didn't truly understand, but they knew i was in pain and they didn't like that. They really tried and i love them for that.
I encourage you to add your own stories- i hope i am reaching some who need the support of someone who has been through it. Thanks to those who have been so encouraging and supportive of my writing. :) I am touched by the reaction.
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