being the outsider

After the first miscarriage I felt like I was living in someone else's world looking in. I went to work everyday, took care of our home, our lives, all with the same routine. The only difference was that I was obsessed with pregnancy- becoming pregnant, noticing everyone else who was pregnant, maternity clothes... i noticed all of it.  When I was focused on my own road to pregnancy, I felt like I had purpose. But when I looked around and saw how many people around me were pregnant and how easy it seemed to happen for them, well that was hard to deal with. I felt so alone because at this point I didn't know anyone else who had been in this situation. What I did know was that everywhere I looked, my friends were pregnant. I tried so hard to be happy for women who were having babies, but sitting through baby showers and listening to stories of swollen ankles, morning sickness and crazy cravings just about sent me over the edge. I thought about taking up drinking on a regular basis, but I knew that could never be good for my future babies. So instead, I cried. Never with anyone around, always by myself. I really didn't want to feel sorry for myself, but it was so hard not to. If I wasn't sad I was angry and I didn't want to be angry, so I just cried. ALOT.  I also didn't talk a lot about my feelings because I was afraid that saying them out loud would just mean I was giving up or accepting that this was my fate. Sure, I would talk to Pat and my mom- but they were both going through this with me and the last thing i wanted to do was have them worrying about me anymore, so I kept a lot to myself.
I tried to just lead my normal life, but there was nothing normal about the empty, longing feeling that I felt every single day. I truly felt like I was floating above and watching everything, but not experiencing anything.  But I suppose feeling nothing was better than feeling the pain of the miscarriage, so i guess we were moving in the right direction in some ways.

I wish everyone a happy week- I will try to write some this week while I am on vacation!!!
Tracy