After the first miscarriage I felt like I was living in someone else's world looking in. I went to work everyday, took care of our home, our lives, all with the same routine. The only difference was that I was obsessed with pregnancy- becoming pregnant, noticing everyone else who was pregnant, maternity clothes... i noticed all of it. When I was focused on my own road to pregnancy, I felt like I had purpose. But when I looked around and saw how many people around me were pregnant and how easy it seemed to happen for them, well that was hard to deal with. I felt so alone because at this point I didn't know anyone else who had been in this situation. What I did know was that everywhere I looked, my friends were pregnant. I tried so hard to be happy for women who were having babies, but sitting through baby showers and listening to stories of swollen ankles, morning sickness and crazy cravings just about sent me over the edge. I thought about taking up drinking on a regular basis, but I knew that could never be good for my future babies. So instead, I cried. Never with anyone around, always by myself. I really didn't want to feel sorry for myself, but it was so hard not to. If I wasn't sad I was angry and I didn't want to be angry, so I just cried. ALOT. I also didn't talk a lot about my feelings because I was afraid that saying them out loud would just mean I was giving up or accepting that this was my fate. Sure, I would talk to Pat and my mom- but they were both going through this with me and the last thing i wanted to do was have them worrying about me anymore, so I kept a lot to myself.
I tried to just lead my normal life, but there was nothing normal about the empty, longing feeling that I felt every single day. I truly felt like I was floating above and watching everything, but not experiencing anything. But I suppose feeling nothing was better than feeling the pain of the miscarriage, so i guess we were moving in the right direction in some ways.
I wish everyone a happy week- I will try to write some this week while I am on vacation!!!
Tracy
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
try again, and again and again...
I thought i would tie up some loose ends from my last post. I talked about the beautiful anniversary celebration that mom planned. It was perfect, except for the cramping and sadness that I felt with every move. I tried to lose myself in the magic of our wedding and recreate that feeling, it worked for a little while, but inside Pat and I were both torn apart.
I also talked about the Dr. who couldn't tell me for sure that i had miscarried until the blood tests came back... so remember, this all happened over thanksgiving. I didn't go back to school until the monday after thanksgiving- only to find that I had a VOICEMAIL from my Dr.'s office telling me that they had gotten the results and Yes, indeed I had miscarried. My numbers had gone back to close to zero, so there was no need to follow up. So that was it. Although I already knew, just hearing that message and the heartless follow up made me throw up. I hated my Dr's office but didn't think I had much choice. My school had Kaiser insurance and I had to go to their ob center. UGH!
The only hope that i held onto was that i had gotten pregnant pretty quick the first time so i was ready to try again. The Dr. suggested that after the miscarriage i let my body go through at least one normal cycle and then we could start trying. Fine, i agreed to do that. So month after month we tried and nothing happened. Everyone kept saying just have fun with it, relax, get drunk... okay, thanks for the advice- especially from people who got pregnant each and every time they wanted to. I actually started to resent people and i found myself getting angry all the time. After a few months of trying, I made an appointment with the Ob center again to talk about why i wasn't getting pregnant. I was told not to worry, that since i had been pregnant once there was no reason to think i would not get pregnant again. THey wouldn't even talk to me about medical what ifs. I hadn't been trying long enough to be considered important. You can imagine that this pissed me off even more! A few years earlier I had experienced 2 ruptured ovarian systs- i wondered if that had anything to do with my inability to get and stay pregnant but the dr.s just brushed it off. After months of getting nothing from my dr., a friend suggested that I try monitoring my temperature with a basal thermometer to see when i was ovulating. She recommended a book on the mind body connection to pregnancy. I read the book and became an expert. Every morning like clockwork, before i got out of bed, i took my temperature with that little pink thermometer and charted it perfectly. I learned to know the bodies signs that you were ovulating. All of a sudden, everything in my world became about timing. Nothing says newlywed like trying to get pregnant, scientifically. But still, even with all that- nothing. Finally my Dr. agreed to do some preliminary tests but found nothing conclusive. The only thing they thought could be an issue was that I had low progesterone levels during my luteal phase, but that shouldn't have impacted me not being able to get pregnant. Again the dr. told me to relax and see how things went... I wanted to scream. I certainly wasn't getting any younger- and i was ready, so ready to be a mom! I watched people around me get pregnant some who didn't even want to be pregnant and i just grew ever more resentful. Why was it so easy for some people to have kids and so hard for others?
But during it all, I never once thought I would give up. I have always worked hard for things that I wanted and this was no different. I had many fights with myself- i was mad at me, i wondered what i had done wrong? why was this happening to us?? It would have been pretty easy to slip into major depression but i knew that wouldn't help anything, so i kept fighting- even when i got nothing in return.
some couples find this struggle tears them apart. Thankfully, that didn't happen to us. Pat wanted a baby as much as i did and he stood by me through every tear. He learned more about the anatamoy of the reproductive system then he ever thought he would. I am not sure I could have made it without his support. My friends tried to be supportive, but at that point, none of them had gone through any of this crap so they didn't truly understand, but they knew i was in pain and they didn't like that. They really tried and i love them for that.
I encourage you to add your own stories- i hope i am reaching some who need the support of someone who has been through it. Thanks to those who have been so encouraging and supportive of my writing. :) I am touched by the reaction.
I also talked about the Dr. who couldn't tell me for sure that i had miscarried until the blood tests came back... so remember, this all happened over thanksgiving. I didn't go back to school until the monday after thanksgiving- only to find that I had a VOICEMAIL from my Dr.'s office telling me that they had gotten the results and Yes, indeed I had miscarried. My numbers had gone back to close to zero, so there was no need to follow up. So that was it. Although I already knew, just hearing that message and the heartless follow up made me throw up. I hated my Dr's office but didn't think I had much choice. My school had Kaiser insurance and I had to go to their ob center. UGH!
The only hope that i held onto was that i had gotten pregnant pretty quick the first time so i was ready to try again. The Dr. suggested that after the miscarriage i let my body go through at least one normal cycle and then we could start trying. Fine, i agreed to do that. So month after month we tried and nothing happened. Everyone kept saying just have fun with it, relax, get drunk... okay, thanks for the advice- especially from people who got pregnant each and every time they wanted to. I actually started to resent people and i found myself getting angry all the time. After a few months of trying, I made an appointment with the Ob center again to talk about why i wasn't getting pregnant. I was told not to worry, that since i had been pregnant once there was no reason to think i would not get pregnant again. THey wouldn't even talk to me about medical what ifs. I hadn't been trying long enough to be considered important. You can imagine that this pissed me off even more! A few years earlier I had experienced 2 ruptured ovarian systs- i wondered if that had anything to do with my inability to get and stay pregnant but the dr.s just brushed it off. After months of getting nothing from my dr., a friend suggested that I try monitoring my temperature with a basal thermometer to see when i was ovulating. She recommended a book on the mind body connection to pregnancy. I read the book and became an expert. Every morning like clockwork, before i got out of bed, i took my temperature with that little pink thermometer and charted it perfectly. I learned to know the bodies signs that you were ovulating. All of a sudden, everything in my world became about timing. Nothing says newlywed like trying to get pregnant, scientifically. But still, even with all that- nothing. Finally my Dr. agreed to do some preliminary tests but found nothing conclusive. The only thing they thought could be an issue was that I had low progesterone levels during my luteal phase, but that shouldn't have impacted me not being able to get pregnant. Again the dr. told me to relax and see how things went... I wanted to scream. I certainly wasn't getting any younger- and i was ready, so ready to be a mom! I watched people around me get pregnant some who didn't even want to be pregnant and i just grew ever more resentful. Why was it so easy for some people to have kids and so hard for others?
But during it all, I never once thought I would give up. I have always worked hard for things that I wanted and this was no different. I had many fights with myself- i was mad at me, i wondered what i had done wrong? why was this happening to us?? It would have been pretty easy to slip into major depression but i knew that wouldn't help anything, so i kept fighting- even when i got nothing in return.
some couples find this struggle tears them apart. Thankfully, that didn't happen to us. Pat wanted a baby as much as i did and he stood by me through every tear. He learned more about the anatamoy of the reproductive system then he ever thought he would. I am not sure I could have made it without his support. My friends tried to be supportive, but at that point, none of them had gone through any of this crap so they didn't truly understand, but they knew i was in pain and they didn't like that. They really tried and i love them for that.
I encourage you to add your own stories- i hope i am reaching some who need the support of someone who has been through it. Thanks to those who have been so encouraging and supportive of my writing. :) I am touched by the reaction.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
fears and tears
I was 31 years old when Pat and I got married. We both wanted kids, he has 3 brothers and sisters and I have 1 brother. I always assumed we would have at least 2 maybe 3 kids. Pat's a teacher and I am a school social worker so we really have the perfect schedules to raise a family. I just figured I would be a soccer mom, running between practices and ballet practice, gymnastics and music classes. Whatever the kids wanted to do that's what we would be into. I saw big holiday dinners in our future and nightly brawls over who would get to pick the TV show. It was all I had dreamed of and took for granted that it would just be easy. I mean seriously, in my work as a school social worker I had seen teenagers get pregnant the first time they ever had sex and families who couldn't afford one child much less the 5 they had. I never even considered that I had inherited whatever fertility issues were in my family.
Pat and I celebrated our first anniversary on October 30, 2000. My mom had put together an anniversary surprise for us. She and Artie had worked with the staff at Westfields Marriott to recreate our wedding dinner (just on a much smaller level) I wanted them to celebrate with us so we decided to wait until the weekend before Thanksgiving to have the celebration because they would be here from California. It was going to be perfect. The first week in November I started feeling like I was getting my period. I was more tired than usual and my period never came. Could I be pregnant already? Wow, that was easy. I went to the dr. and did the blood test. Yup. I was preggers. The unbelievable shock and joy just overwhelmed us both. I think we planned everything that first night from how to do to the nursery to where this child would go to school. I woke up the next morning expecting to throw up, but I didn't. I felt pretty good and pretty lucky that i didn't have morning sickness. We knew we really needed to keep this news to ourselves for the first 3 months, especially with my family history. We did pretty well for about 3 hours! I had to tell my mom! And my dad. And if they knew, I had to tell my brother and sister in law- but told them not to tell my niece and nephew, just in case. I told one friend at work, just in case I was sick or anything I thought someone should know.
My mom and Artie and my Aunt, Uncle and cousin were coming to my house for Thanksgiving that year. I was just so excited to tell them at dinner! The weekend before Thanksgiving we were going to my old townhouse to help one of my old roomates move. I knew I couldn't lift anything heavy, so I thought I needed to tell them why I wasn't being a very good helper. They were all pretty excited for us. The day went on and all of a sudden I felt this weird pain in my lower left side of my stomach. I rested on the couch for a bit and the pain went away, but the next time I went to the bathroom I saw blood, not a lot but enough to freak me out. I yelled for Pat and we called the Dr. They told me that early on spotting wasn't totally atypical-some women spot when the egg implants deep into the lining. They said to watch it and if it got heavier to call them back, but that there really wasn't much they could do this early on. Oh hell no, I told Pat that if it kept going or got worse, I was going to the hospital and they were going to do something to stop this! I couldn't miscarry, I wasn't ready. By Monday morning I hadn't stopped spotting so I made an appointment with my Dr. for Tuesday. My mom had flown in by that point and was going to go with me. The Dr. told me it was too early to see a heatbeat so the only way to tell if I was miscarring was to do a blood test and see where the numbers went. If I was still pregnant my numbers should be going up by about double. If they were going down or staying the same, I was definately miscarrying. So that Tuesday appointment told me nothing definite. I think in my heart I knew, but I certainly wasn't ready or willing to believe that it was happening. I heard the Dr. say things like 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage and chromosonal abnormalities and the body knows best... but all I could tell you was that I was pregnant with MY baby and that this was not fair. On Wednesday morning I was bleeding really heavy, I went back to the Dr. and she told me it was most likely a miscarriage but that they couldn't tell until the blood tests came back. At that point I knew and I was devestated. The Dr. recommended that I go home and rest and not dwell on it. It would happen when it was right, that one miscarriage was not an indicator that there would be future miscarriages. I asked her if I had to go home and rest and she said to do what felt right for my body. My mom was here and my body wanted to go shopping. Why the hell did I need to go home and rest and think about what I had just lost? I needed retail therapy. So mom and i went off to Fair Oaks mall and to William Sonoma- after all, I had a Thanksgiving dinner to prepare for. My mom was great and supported me through every step in that mall. We did some good for the economy and then went home to cook our dinner for the next day. But first, I had to tell the people I had shared our news with that there would be no baby. I swear, those were the worst phone calls I have ever made. That just sucked. That night when it was just Pat and me in our house- I finally cried and said goodbye to our baby. For those of you who have gone through this, you know that first night is the worst and that feeling is the most awful. I never wanted to feel that again, for any reason.
I think it was good that I had thanksgiving and my family to keep me occupied for a while. But the nights were the worst. All i could ask was why? and then how long did i have to wait to try again? No one had answer to the why- at least not one I wanted to hear. The how long was a little easier- at least 2 months, but when you feel emotionally ready. Hmmm, when would i ever feel emotionally ready again?
I wanted to crawl in a whole and die- but i knew I couldn't. I still had a husband and a job and responsibilites- so I got up everyday and went to work. But I never felt like a whole person. That was going to take some time.
Writing this has stirred up so many emotions for me- it still makes me cry and wonder...
I would love to hear from other sisters who have had similiar or different experiences. We need to stick together and support and never give up.
Tracy
Pat and I celebrated our first anniversary on October 30, 2000. My mom had put together an anniversary surprise for us. She and Artie had worked with the staff at Westfields Marriott to recreate our wedding dinner (just on a much smaller level) I wanted them to celebrate with us so we decided to wait until the weekend before Thanksgiving to have the celebration because they would be here from California. It was going to be perfect. The first week in November I started feeling like I was getting my period. I was more tired than usual and my period never came. Could I be pregnant already? Wow, that was easy. I went to the dr. and did the blood test. Yup. I was preggers. The unbelievable shock and joy just overwhelmed us both. I think we planned everything that first night from how to do to the nursery to where this child would go to school. I woke up the next morning expecting to throw up, but I didn't. I felt pretty good and pretty lucky that i didn't have morning sickness. We knew we really needed to keep this news to ourselves for the first 3 months, especially with my family history. We did pretty well for about 3 hours! I had to tell my mom! And my dad. And if they knew, I had to tell my brother and sister in law- but told them not to tell my niece and nephew, just in case. I told one friend at work, just in case I was sick or anything I thought someone should know.
My mom and Artie and my Aunt, Uncle and cousin were coming to my house for Thanksgiving that year. I was just so excited to tell them at dinner! The weekend before Thanksgiving we were going to my old townhouse to help one of my old roomates move. I knew I couldn't lift anything heavy, so I thought I needed to tell them why I wasn't being a very good helper. They were all pretty excited for us. The day went on and all of a sudden I felt this weird pain in my lower left side of my stomach. I rested on the couch for a bit and the pain went away, but the next time I went to the bathroom I saw blood, not a lot but enough to freak me out. I yelled for Pat and we called the Dr. They told me that early on spotting wasn't totally atypical-some women spot when the egg implants deep into the lining. They said to watch it and if it got heavier to call them back, but that there really wasn't much they could do this early on. Oh hell no, I told Pat that if it kept going or got worse, I was going to the hospital and they were going to do something to stop this! I couldn't miscarry, I wasn't ready. By Monday morning I hadn't stopped spotting so I made an appointment with my Dr. for Tuesday. My mom had flown in by that point and was going to go with me. The Dr. told me it was too early to see a heatbeat so the only way to tell if I was miscarring was to do a blood test and see where the numbers went. If I was still pregnant my numbers should be going up by about double. If they were going down or staying the same, I was definately miscarrying. So that Tuesday appointment told me nothing definite. I think in my heart I knew, but I certainly wasn't ready or willing to believe that it was happening. I heard the Dr. say things like 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage and chromosonal abnormalities and the body knows best... but all I could tell you was that I was pregnant with MY baby and that this was not fair. On Wednesday morning I was bleeding really heavy, I went back to the Dr. and she told me it was most likely a miscarriage but that they couldn't tell until the blood tests came back. At that point I knew and I was devestated. The Dr. recommended that I go home and rest and not dwell on it. It would happen when it was right, that one miscarriage was not an indicator that there would be future miscarriages. I asked her if I had to go home and rest and she said to do what felt right for my body. My mom was here and my body wanted to go shopping. Why the hell did I need to go home and rest and think about what I had just lost? I needed retail therapy. So mom and i went off to Fair Oaks mall and to William Sonoma- after all, I had a Thanksgiving dinner to prepare for. My mom was great and supported me through every step in that mall. We did some good for the economy and then went home to cook our dinner for the next day. But first, I had to tell the people I had shared our news with that there would be no baby. I swear, those were the worst phone calls I have ever made. That just sucked. That night when it was just Pat and me in our house- I finally cried and said goodbye to our baby. For those of you who have gone through this, you know that first night is the worst and that feeling is the most awful. I never wanted to feel that again, for any reason.
I think it was good that I had thanksgiving and my family to keep me occupied for a while. But the nights were the worst. All i could ask was why? and then how long did i have to wait to try again? No one had answer to the why- at least not one I wanted to hear. The how long was a little easier- at least 2 months, but when you feel emotionally ready. Hmmm, when would i ever feel emotionally ready again?
I wanted to crawl in a whole and die- but i knew I couldn't. I still had a husband and a job and responsibilites- so I got up everyday and went to work. But I never felt like a whole person. That was going to take some time.
Writing this has stirred up so many emotions for me- it still makes me cry and wonder...
I would love to hear from other sisters who have had similiar or different experiences. We need to stick together and support and never give up.
Tracy
What am I doing writing a blog??
Hi, my name is Tracy and I am a 42 year mother who struggled through infertility for 4 years. It was my own personal hell- well, maybe not just my own since my husband went through every moment and every tear right by my side. So I guess it was our hell. Our world was different from anyone else we knew.
Let me go back and give you a little background. I grew up in CT and had a pretty typical life. I had friends, I did well in school, I went to summer camp, I baby sat, I was a counselor in many camps, I worked in a daycar center in high school... I was happy. There are 2 things from my childhood that stick out as really being difficult to understand, but i knew they both made me cry. When I was 4 my aunt (my mom's only sister) got married on my birthday, which i thought was so cool. What a party to celebrate turning 4! I was pretty close to my aunt and I loved my new uncle. A few years later I remember my mom telling me that my aunt was pregnant and that I was going to have a baby cousin! I was so beyond excited. Excited, until the phone rang and I saw sadness in my mom's eyes. My aunt had lost the baby- miscarriage was a word i probablly didn't want to know at that age. I didn't totally understand, i just knew there would be no baby cousin and that everyone was really sad. Unfortunately, this happened again and again and again. I don't know how many times, i just knew it hurt everyone around me. Then when i was 10 my aunt got pregnant and stayed pregnant- she was due in June and everything looked good. We were over the moon and couldn't wait to meet this baby. In February, the world crumbled again when my parents were hit by a drunk driver and our worlds changed again. Thakfully, after months in the hospital, my parents were able to come home and in June, my aunt gave birth to the most precious baby girl. My new baby cousin became my focus. I spent a lot of time with her and loved like she was my sister. I knew she was a miracle. We are super close even today as adults.
So I knew growing up that fertility issues ran in my family but my mom had never had any problems, so I really didn't think that I would either. But i was wrong.
Last week, an ignorant person made some comment about women who can't get pregnant on their own should just take that as a sign from god that they should just adopt. (Don't get me wrong, I totally believe in adoption and support those who choose that path.) Thankfully, I didn't directly hear her because if I had, I probablly would have gone off on her. But a friend told me and it really touched a nerve in me. I thought about confronting her and getting my energy out that way- but instead, I decided to start this blog. To share my story, my pain, my hope. Those of us who have struggled through infertility belong to a sisterhood- not one we ever wanted to, but we are sisters for life. I had Mindy, my angel, who had gone through this and walked me through my struggle. I hope this blog will help someone else feel the support of the sisterhood. No one should have to go through this alone and sometimes a Dr. or a friend who hasn't been there, just isn't the right person.
Let me go back and give you a little background. I grew up in CT and had a pretty typical life. I had friends, I did well in school, I went to summer camp, I baby sat, I was a counselor in many camps, I worked in a daycar center in high school... I was happy. There are 2 things from my childhood that stick out as really being difficult to understand, but i knew they both made me cry. When I was 4 my aunt (my mom's only sister) got married on my birthday, which i thought was so cool. What a party to celebrate turning 4! I was pretty close to my aunt and I loved my new uncle. A few years later I remember my mom telling me that my aunt was pregnant and that I was going to have a baby cousin! I was so beyond excited. Excited, until the phone rang and I saw sadness in my mom's eyes. My aunt had lost the baby- miscarriage was a word i probablly didn't want to know at that age. I didn't totally understand, i just knew there would be no baby cousin and that everyone was really sad. Unfortunately, this happened again and again and again. I don't know how many times, i just knew it hurt everyone around me. Then when i was 10 my aunt got pregnant and stayed pregnant- she was due in June and everything looked good. We were over the moon and couldn't wait to meet this baby. In February, the world crumbled again when my parents were hit by a drunk driver and our worlds changed again. Thakfully, after months in the hospital, my parents were able to come home and in June, my aunt gave birth to the most precious baby girl. My new baby cousin became my focus. I spent a lot of time with her and loved like she was my sister. I knew she was a miracle. We are super close even today as adults.
So I knew growing up that fertility issues ran in my family but my mom had never had any problems, so I really didn't think that I would either. But i was wrong.
Last week, an ignorant person made some comment about women who can't get pregnant on their own should just take that as a sign from god that they should just adopt. (Don't get me wrong, I totally believe in adoption and support those who choose that path.) Thankfully, I didn't directly hear her because if I had, I probablly would have gone off on her. But a friend told me and it really touched a nerve in me. I thought about confronting her and getting my energy out that way- but instead, I decided to start this blog. To share my story, my pain, my hope. Those of us who have struggled through infertility belong to a sisterhood- not one we ever wanted to, but we are sisters for life. I had Mindy, my angel, who had gone through this and walked me through my struggle. I hope this blog will help someone else feel the support of the sisterhood. No one should have to go through this alone and sometimes a Dr. or a friend who hasn't been there, just isn't the right person.
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